Hello again, bestie! In my previous blog post, we identified six common patterns of behavior or narcissist traits that can be so confusing and exhausting. If that post resonated with you, know that you are already on the path to reclaiming your peace.
The journey of awareness doesn’t stop here. Narcissist traits often hide in the mundane, turning simple acts like resting or sharing a moment of pain into a complex, draining event. Being able to spot these subtle patterns is like giving yourself a superpower of emotional defense.
Here are six more hidden traits and how you can gently start protecting your energy from them:
- The Competitive Sickness
A husband with these traits cannot stand to see you in a position of vulnerability or need, such as when you are sick or injured. Why? Because it temporarily shifts the focus off of them.
Example: You wake up with a terrible flu and mention you need to rest. He will instantly develop symptoms of his own—a headache, sudden exhaustion, or worse and insist his symptoms are more severe. You end up comforting him while sick. Not forgetting you have to handle the kids and housework too.
What You Need To Do: Do not share your ailments unless it’s necessary. Stop mentioning when you feel unwell. Instead, take your medications and rest. Create a boundary by saying I need to rest for an hour (or 2?). If you need help, ask a friend or family member, or hire temporary help. Do not give him the platform to make your illness a competition!
- The Breadwinner’s Burden
For a husband who sees himself as the sole provider, any complaint about exhaustion from you, the stay-at-home mom, is met with resistance or dismissal. He believes his burden is inherently heavier.
Example: You complain you’re tired after a full day of managing the household and children. He immediately dismisses your feeling by citing his long workday and reminding you that he is the sole breadwinner, implying he is entitled to be the only one who feels truly tired.
What You Need To Do: Stop justifying your fatigue. Stop explaining why you are tired. Just say, “I am tired,” or “I need to rest now,” and walk away. Your fatigue is real, regardless of the source of your household paycheck. Your best defense is to simply remove yourself from the conversation before he can start his narrative.
- The Manipulation of Help
Be wary of a husband with narcissist traits who suddenly starts doing good things around the house especially if he helps before you even ask for it. This is often not generosity; it’s leverage.
Example: He spends an afternoon fixing a fence you never asked about. The next day, he will casually mention his effort while demanding something significant from you, like controlling your weekend plans or making a big financial decision.
What You Need To Do: Watch for the ledger. Become aware of this pattern. When he offers unsolicited help, mentally note that he is filling his imaginary “Good Deed Ledger.” When he tries to cash in, acknowledge his action once, but firmly stand your ground on your boundary. Don’t let his “kindness” become guilt.
- The 50:50 Transactional Mindset
Living with a person who views the relationship as a rigid 50:50 transaction can be exhausting. Their internal scorecard ensures that every action they take requires an equivalent action (or more) from you.
Example: He feels that “I did A, so she must do B.” You won’t realize it until much later when he uses his recent trip to the grocery store as a reason why he shouldn’t have to clean the dishes for the next three nights.
Another common example: You are already at the cashier. He’s there but he doesn’t show any interest to pay for your item. Sometimes, he just left the shop and wait for you outside.
What You Need To Do: Reject the scorecard. Stop operating on his 50:50 scale. Focus on what you need to do for your household and for your own well-being. When he brings up his scorecard, simply say, “We handle household tasks as needed, not based on points,” and refuse to engage in the arithmetic.
If he doesn’t show any interest to pay for you, you pay it yourself. Even if it’s diapers for his baby! Use your own money (or the money he claimed he gave you). Remember, do not expect anything from him
- The Restless Sleeper
When you sleep with someone with narcissist traits, your rest is often compromised. Subconsciously, you remain hypervigilant, often waking up feeling more tired and restless than when you went to bed.
Example: Your sleep quality is constantly dictated by his breathing, his movements, his nighttime coughs, or other small disturbances. You feel completely unrested, but you can’t pinpoint why.
What You Need To Do: Prioritize your rest space. If possible, make your sleep area a sanctuary. This may mean using earplugs, using a white noise machine, or even considering separate sleeping arrangements for deep rest. Your energy is your most valuable asset! Your kids need you.
- The Financial Gatekeeper
Getting money from a husband with narcissist traits often follows a painful pattern. He will provide the bare minimum while feeling like a king who controls 7 kingdoms. The power is in making you ask.
Example: He has more than enough money, but he only gives you what he deems “necessary” for the household. He refuses to give you more because he wants you to beg him for it, which makes him feel powerful and ensures you never forget he is the provider of everything.
What You Need To Do: Seek Autonomy (Start Small): If you can, establish your own small source of income (like your dropshipping idea!). This isn’t about matching his income; it’s about having financial peace. If you must ask for money, use factual, neutral language and do not engage in begging or emotional appeals.
Build your peace
Recognizing these subtle, soul-draining patterns is not an act of resentment; it is an act of self-preservation. You are gathering the facts needed to build your defenses.
Your next massive step is to channel that awareness into your own healing. You deserve to invest in yourself and your peace. Let’s move from spotting the patterns to actively healing the emotional damage they cause through the beautiful, simple act of making art (or anything you like!).
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